When God Became Real At the Ritz, Part 2

"Hi God, it's me Jane. To be perfectly honest, I really don't know if you exist. I've heard you are there. My mom would show me how to cross my thumb over my pointer finger to make a 'cross' and kiss it. I sometimes wear a cross, too, so I guess I believe you exist at least on some level. Here I am talking to you, so more evidence that I'm thinking you are there. If you are there, maybe you could show me, and in the meantime, I'll just start talking to you and see how things go. And while we are at it, can you tell me how to live my life because I'm not quite sure what I should do right now." That was it. That is how I started to pray in 1996.

If this sort of prayer sounds familiar to you, you aren't imagining it. An author by the name of Judy Blume wrote a bunch of books around the time I was growing up. One in particular I remembered was titled "Hi God, it's me Margaret". So of course, when I started to pray, I reached for the only model I could think of. Never underestimate the power of books, or the power of a good title anyway.

It was also a book that inspired the company where I worked to train us in how to have habits (7 to be exact)that would lead to an effective life. One of the habits (the 7th to be exact again) suggested that to round out your effectiveness, you needed to be balanced in four areas. To not be balanced in these four areas was like sitting on a stool with one or more of the legs missing - you may be able to balance for like a second, but then you'd fall flat on your face. At that time I was pretty wise in three of them, but like the good student that I was, or at least the perfectionist that I was, I HAD to master part four - practice being spiritual.

The book recommended a plethora of ideas which involved anywhere from going to church, to communing with nature. I picked prayer. It just seemed right. That simple, yet it became the most profound action I would take in my life. I sincerely believe it was at that point that God took me up on my challenge. He began to show Himself to me.

I can't say I quite remember what happened first, but a significant part of it all started through a co-worker named Julia. It was my birthday and she had been working for but a few days. Upon hearing it was my special day, she showed up at my desk with a card, a bag of cookies, and a warm smile. Hmmm. I was immediately suspicious of her desire to become friends and her gift to me seemed strangely odd at the time. She didn't know me hardly at all! It seemed inappropriate to be trying to get close like that without knowing me. In my twisted world, I had read all the books on boundaries, and been to therapy. I sensed what she was up to. She was immediately suspect.

Nonsensical. Not Julia, but me.

Garbage. Not her gift, but my thinking.

We became fast friends.

There was a confidence about her. When I didn't keep my admiration in check, it became an occasional jealousy. She was always there for people, rarely turning down an opportunity to support them and that included me. She would be my listening ear, my mentor as I grew in my career there, and training partner when managers needed skills coaching. It was with her that I would teach that 'effective habits' class. Some of my most creative moments at work were when I partnered with her on initiatives. Whenever I felt empty or lonely, which looking back was quite often, she was there to encourage me and build me back up. She was also there to let me know when I crossed a line. Maybe jokingly I would say something bordering on rude, she was quick to stop me, redirect me, or just let me know she didn't like what I had said. She was a true friend.

There was a significant moment in our friendship. I screwed up and I knew it. I had done something to Julia. I can't remember exactly what it was, but I remember it was the kind of something that would lead me to unfriend anyone in a moment if it had happened to me. Surprising? It shouldn't be since I was really into boundaries at the time, and my interpretation of what I had read coupled with my own desire to not want to get hurt, would easily classify this is as unfriending material. Of course, I cared about Julia, so I thought it only right to let her know what I had done, and take responsibility for my actions. I was so noble (she humbly confesses, with a hint of sarcasm).

God had me right where He wanted me.

So it was on the bottom level of the Ritz. Around the same location as the training classes we had conducted together. I think it was on a bench right outside one of the rooms where she asked me to sit after I had started telling her what I felt I needed to tell her. I don't remember there being anyone in the hallway, so it was easy to talk. She looked so serious. I sorta held my breath as she began to talk, prepared for what she would say. The conversation went something like this.

"Do you think I don't want to be your friend because of this?". I answered, "No. I don't." I agreed thoughtfully. Long pause. She looked straight into my eyes with a slightly confused, but mostly concerned look on her face and said, "There is nothing you could ever do that would make me stop loving you or being your friend. Nothing."

"What?" No, the voice in my head was more like "huh?".

I think my brain may have even stopped working for a second. It absolutely did not compute in my head. But though my head wrestled repetitively in hopes to find reconcilation in her statement within my world view, something subtle and incredible happened in my heart.

There was a small but sharp pain that struck the middle of my chest at that point. It was if it were cracking. But instead of it being an excruciating pain, it was a bit, how do I explain this? Relieving. Something was trying to break free, but hadn't been able to until that moment. A tenderness was now exposed. But with that I was suddenly so acutely aware of the hardness that was there as well. A hardness I didn't even know existed until then. Whatever my awareness, it seemed like this hardness had been ready to break open. It was waiting for that specific conversation to finally release the softness that had been yearning to get out.

Whoa! I was surprised at how good it felt. Unconditional love had started its work. The healing power of forgiveness had touched me. But this wasn't human love or human forgiveness alone.

I don't even remember how I responded to Julia, except that intuitively I knew this wasn't about her, though it somehow came from her. I relished in the experience, and knew to not give her full credit, but definately acknowledged her part in it. She was a chosen vessel selected just for me by a divine force who was personal. I was more alive and more full than any other moment in my life, at a deep, ontological level. There was a sense of permanence of this state of being. It was the Spirit that breathed in me through her words and ultimately began the healing I so desperately needed and searched for. I was being changed from the inside out. Sound dramatic? Life's most significant moments are. They are life changing.

Another vessel was this class I keep referring to. I learned about growing spiritually and chose prayer to meet that objective, and it's where I first saw the insanity quote. And this eventually led me to separate from the relationship with John. I had a newfound strength that had been imparted to me, and found its way into me at the cellular level.

I was being wooed by a man much greater than a boyfriend. A man too great for me to resist.

When God Became Real at the Ritz: Part 1

"Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein

It was your typical luxury hotel training room. Shiny urns of coffee in the corner, bagels with a toaster to brown them to your delight, and beautifully patterned carpet under some fancy skirted tables. And don't forget the ocean view beyond the curtain sheers. By then I had almost taken it for granted, except that beauty like that doesn't let you. You always get drawn back in. I was in that room, training or being trained, hard to remember at this point, but there were many managers in there. Some in chef whites, but most in your typical business-like attire. Not much different from today, except that the girls had slightly more squared shoulders as dictated by the day's style.

We were going over a quote in the workbook, that was somehow supposed to trigger thought provoking dialogue, all to meet the objective of having a more effective life.

"Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

I was so ready for this course. I was in my late twenties, and just knew something was missing but I couldn't quite see what it was. Sure I had a great job for someone my age, in an amazing part of the country, and a good-looking boyfriend, yet none of it seemed quite as satisfying as I had imagined it to be, and there was a suspicion growing inside of me that I would never be satisfied even if things improved greatly on all those fronts.

"Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

I read it again, eventhough we had sort of moved on. The flipchart in the room to the right of the t.v. set may have even had this quote written on it as well. What was so compelling about it and why did I have to keep reading it? I was going insane thinking about the quote on insanity. It just rang so true. At that point I started thinking about my present boyfriend, let's call him John.

John was a nice guy, very athletic, a hard-worker, and incredibly uncomplicated. I typically only dated guys who I thought I could have future with until I realized I couldn't, and we would break up. Usually they would break up with me as I was always hopeful that things could change, then I would be heartbroken. With John, it was seeming to be no different. I started the path of wondering with him on two specific occasions. One was on my 28th birthday (or maybe 27) when he gave me a book for a gift. I was soooo excited at getting a book from him because he didn't like reading himself - had a disability in that arena - so for him to give me a book was a big deal. The book, as it turned out, was a Thomas Guide. Now if you don't know what a Thomas Guide is (this was before the days of GPS) it's a book of maps made famous by the overwhelming number of streets in Los Angeles and Orange County. Everyone had one who lived in the area - everyone except me ... until that moment.

"This way you'll never get lost" he told me.

The thing was I hardly ever did. Though it was a sweet sentiment, I just wondered if gifts got this practical after a year or so of dating, how much worse would it get? Frankly I would have preferred a sweater.

Occasion number two happened one night when I was pondering the meaning of life. I asked him if he ever wondered why he was placed on this earth. I had thought about it often as I was sure I had a specific purpose laid out for me I just didn't know what it was. Eager to connect with him on this point, his answer left me disheartened.

"No, I don't wonder... no not ever. Does that matter to you?"

"No" I lied. Again, hopeful that things could change. Or maybe I just didn't want to be alone.

"Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

I snapped back into the training room. I was getting closer to the intrigue this quote seemed to be leading me to. I felt like puzzle pieces of understanding were floating around me, but not quite locking in - hate that. As I was refocusing on the lesson at hand, a knowing came with such familiarity, it was as if the answer had always been a part of me - just lost temporarily.

If I could be so blunt, and I really don't want to embarrass anyone, but my epiphany came from an unlikely place - in my physical relationship with John, and the boyfriends before him. I realized I was treating my relationships like mini-marriages. In my heart and body, I was 'married' or treating these relationships as 'marriages' before any such commitment existed. Sure, my boyfriends said they loved me and I think they meant it according to what they knew, but I was seeing disconnects in how the relationships were developing from where they were physically. I just figured it was a normal part of being in a relationship, and maybe it was to society at large as well, but I knew in that moment I was actually giving myself away, committing my body and spirit as an initiator in the relationship instead of a responder. Something was out of order in the way it was happening and I knew it deep in my gut.

I didn't know it then, but God was starting to speak to me in a still small voice, preparing me for His powerful words of Life to come.

I knew what I needed to do.

Time and Reactions

When my commute shortened, a very dear friend from back east wrote me a note of encouragement saying now that my commute is shorter, maybe I'll use the time to write more. And yet time has been slipping away, and all I can say is thanks for the encouragement Delia, and I hope to get to that point! In actuality, I've tried to write a few times but there was nothing in particular that stuck out. Usually I have a question that gets answered and that's where the writing takes me. Not this time. So, I decided to focus on the questions themselves.

I've been wondering about my life lately. Probably no different than you - asking questions and wondering what the answers would be. Here are some of mine.

Would ministry be in our future? The answer was "yes".

Will I ever stop my annoying ways with my husband, feeling the need to spread "gift" of seeing what needs to be improved and constantly tell him? The jury is still out on that one :)

I wondered once upon a time in my twenties if I would be an accomplished business woman at home in my field of choice. The answer by God's grace was "yes".

Will I ever be able to retire my 1995 Honda Civic and get a car I would feel more comfortable in and feel better about? If it means a car payment, increased insurance, and increased property taxes before it dies, the answer is decidedly "no".

Is this starting to sound like a Magic 8 Ball game? No answers please...

Then the questions started to get harder...

Will I be a mom? So far on this earth the answer is "no", but in heaven I have quite a family waiting for me there, so eternally the answer is "yes".

Will I ever really understand the depths of sin, and consequently understand all that Jesus REALLY has done for me? I'm still waiting for a huge "aha" moment, but in the meantime I get glimpses of answers that seem just out of my reach.

Will I always be able to worship our God freely in this country? By the way the media turns Christianity's conservative views as hateful, I'm beginning to wonder.

Will things always get tougher spiritually as we serve the Lord more? By the looks of how things have been going lately, the answer is absolutely "yes".

Then as I review these questions, questions by the way that I have spent a lot of time thinking about and living out, I am reminded that life is so much more than these questions and yet how we find the answers and how we react when we get the answers is ALL that life seems to be about.

Today I'm struggling with reactions - reactions I saw myself have just yesterday, reactions I saw a friend at church have just today, and reactions Associates had last week to their work environment. Some of the easier to spot "bad" reactions seem to be self-centered and the more obvious "good" ones seems to be other-centered. Either way I've been swimming in my own and others'. I think my questions are better as rephrased ones ...

Now that we are in ministry, how will I respond to whatever comes our way from it?

Since I do seem to be annoying at times, how will I react when my husband lets me know directly or indirectly?

Now that I am an accomplished business woman, how will I respond to this success and to the responsibilities it brings?

Since I refuse to pay for another car until this one expires, how will I live in LA where everyone seems to have a new car and I don't?

Since I am not a mom at present and really don't know how this part of my life will end up, how will I still praise God through the tough times it sometimes still brings?

Since I truly have a hard time understanding the concept of how bad my sin really is, how will I continue to seek the Lord on it tirelessly as my faith depends on it?

Despite the media bombarding messages to an unsuspecting public who doesn't understand Christianity and why we believe what we believe, will I have answers when asked, and will I live out my faith in a patient and compassionate way no matter what gets thrown at me?

And knowing that things will be tougher spiritually as I dedicate myself to His work, will I be able to stand firm against an unseen enemy's ways, and humble myself to such a degree that standing for the truth means more than my own reputation, whether people like me or not, or even if I'm standing alone in the fight?

Jesus, how did you do it? How did you forgive your closest friends when they not only stopped supporting you, but turned their back on you, and in at least one case betrayed you? How did you worry about your mother and her welfare to such a degree that while hanging on the cross in agony, you asked one of Your disciples to take care of her? How did you love the ones who sentenced you to a most grueling death despite your innocence, and right before you died asked our God in heaven to forgive them because they didn't know what they were doing? Eventhough you are God, while on earth you were also human - and You say that with Your spirit inside of us once we accepted you as Lord of our lives and God of all gods, Your strength becomes ours. But we can only see it when we are tested, so please, show me Your glory so that my reactions are not for self preservation, but for the preservation of your Name. Then just maybe I'll have some answers to share...

What would you do if you lost everything?

Whenever the time change happens, in the spring, I immediately have a negative reaction. Sure it's great the sun is out longer, it's the transition that I have an aversion to - losing an hour of sleep. For some reason this direction takes me about a month to recover. I REALLY like my sleep. The thought of getting a good night's sleep, or better yet being able to sleep in brings me warm, fuzzy thoughts. So true to character, this last time change was no different. I heard it was on the way, I immediately groaned, and counted the weekends until it arrived.

At about the same time, Rob and I started the next book in our weekly bible study on the book of Job (pronounced with a long "o" if you are unfamiliar). Now if you know about this book, you probably said to yourself, "You are going to study THAT book? But it's so tragic!", or "Wonder what God is preparing you for?", and even if you didn't say that I certainly did! But in the end I relented to Rob's excitement and we started that study.

Quick (very quick) summary of the book- Job is this awesome believer in God. He understands his strength and everything he has comes from his God, and God recognizes his faith as well. At some point in the beginning the devil talks with God, and it's at that point that God actually points out Job to the devil, asking him what he thought of His servant Job. After the devil pretty much tells Him that the only reason Job worships God is because of all he has been given, God allows the devil to have his way with Job, and through a series of events, allows the devil to let most all of Job's family die, take his riches, and even take his health to a disfiguring condition. God's one limit was that the devil could not take Job's life. Even Job's wife who is the only one left of his family, tells him in the midst of all his misery, an struggling faith in the God he loves, to curse God and die. You know what Job's reaction was? Mind you, the children he so loved, his home, his livestock, most all his servants, were all tragically killed within what seems a span of an hour in the story - nonetheless his reaction is to praise God. He not only praises Him, but acknowledges that He can give and take away as He sees fit. He tells his wife should we only praise Him when He gives? I doubt he was praising Him with outward "happy joy", but he acknowledged an acceptance of God's sovereignty. His passion to honor God eventually does wane a little as things worsen and his friends admonish him, but through the whole time, he always believes in God's sovereignty and it does end well as by the end of the book his faith increases.

Shortly after we started the study, Japan had their myriad of tragedies. I then thought of Job. When I read his story it's hard to relate because in part there are no visuals, and also it's very much removed from me. With Japan, though, we were able to see a lot, maybe too much on some level, but it brought what Job went through to a place where I could access it if only a little more. Then the magnitude of Job's story became slightly more real. I'm not suggesting that the only response is to be like Job. I would be a hypocrite because after all I complain at the slightest discomforts. I guess my question is how does someone have that response in the midst of a huge tragic event? I'm not sure I know THE answer, but I think I see a small piece.

I guess in order to trust a God like that, you have to know Him. Before Rob and I started dating, I remember observing him and hearing what others said about him. I remember he was truthful and honest, while at church or bible study, he had laser focus on the topic at hand. I liked that and it was the beginning of me getting to know him, which led to getting to know him more into our dating years, and eventually where I agreed to become his wife. All the experiences I had with him over time eventually led to the type of love and trust necessary to committing to him for the rest of my life. If I hadn't taken the time to have a personal experience with him, I would have to trust what others said that may or may not be true. But worse of all, I would not have had the blessings of having a relationship with him. It hasn't been all rosy - marriage or any relationship isn't perfect or always easy - but when we persevere through the relationship typically becomes stronger as we continue in it.

Friends, my walk with God, and more specifically Jesus has been like this. One step at a time. He is the perfect father that many of us didn't have - He is the perfect man who will always keep His promises, and more importantly He's the kind of friend who would do anything for us, even give His life. Easter is around the corner, and for Christians this celebration is more powerful than Christmas. Job was able to praise God in the midst of his incredible trials because he KNEW God so well, and trusted Him so much, that he just KNEW if bad things were to happen in his life, there must be some things only the Lord sees and knows, so he could just trust in the midst of the circumstances.

My prayer for me, my sisters and brothers in Christ, my friends, and my family is to know this radical faith in the One who not only created us, but will never leave us and give us the eternal meaning in our tragedies if only we trust in Him. Have a blessed Easter ~ and by the way, as trite as this sounds, I asked God to give me strength to get through the loss of an hour's sleep... and I never felt the loss of time. He meets us wherever we are at. Shalom.

A Mountaintop to Write About

It's usually easier for me to write about lessons learned, as usually those moments are so impactful to me and maybe those around me. What I tend to overlook are the wonderful blessings that I have within my reach, and every once in a while the Lord reveals Himself and His plan in such a powerful way (at least to me), that I need to share.

A year ago early April, Rob started his new position as a Pastor in West L.A. At the time he was offered the post, we were living in Orange County, not exactly a stone's throw from L.A. but not a horrible drive without (please note the "without") traffic. It became quickly evident that I needed to make a decision about my job. I had two choices, actually three: 1-quit, 2-keep it and commute from L.A., or 3-keep it and commute from a distance mid-way between O.C and L.A.

Rob suggested we take a look at moving mid-way maybe Long Beach, which was also encouraged by a trusted member of our new congregation. No one would have argued that this would have been a good decision. But I wasn't convinced, particularly since I've always felt that should Rob ever get a pastoral position we needed to live near the church to be close to the people we'd be serving. Long Beach would be around a 45 minute commute. But we figured we may as well explore our options as things would become more clear in time. I had heard great things about Long Beach. We went there optimistically and just as quickly realized it wasn't the city for us - just didn't "feel" right.

Then Rob recommended we live in Playa del Rey again, a small beach town just north of the airport where we had been married and I had lived for several years. That did "feel" right, so then the final question - what to do with my job? After much prayer, it didn't seem right to leave quite yet as it just wasn't time, Rob agreed, it was decided. I would do the dreaded commute and reassess at the end of the year. Now, this is where the story gets interesting.

On faith, I made this decision, knowing logically it didn't seem the best way to go. Within a month after going that route, my boss' boss approached me about the possibility of one day relocating to our Beverly Hills location, approximately 12 miles from our new home as opposed to the 60 miles (one way!)I was presently commuting. Interesting that I made a step of faith, and He showed me a possibility that I didn't know could be a reality. Nothing was finalized, if it were to happen it wouldn't be until 2011 sometime, and some major management restructuring would have to occur for me to have my interest peaked. A lot of "what ifs" but the possibility was there nonetheless.

So in the meantime, I did the commute with a very supportive boss who was fine with me adjusting my hours, and even shifting my days to help with minimizing my time in traffic. I listened to books on tape, bought a bluetooth so I could converse with family more - whatever it took to make the drive easier. And in the end, it wasn't that bad. I knew I couldn't do it forever, but you would be amazed what you will persevere through when you believe in the cause, and I certainly believed it was the right thing to do at that time.

Fast forward 8 months, and I felt the need to start praying about our situation again. I was starting to grow weary of the drive, and not sure if I should start looking for another job, I began asking the Lord for some more direction. At the same time, I felt pulled to get more involved in our ministry, which seemed impossible to do given how much time I was on the road. The worship team, which I felt led to become a part of, met Tuesday nights until 10pm, which meant I wouldn't get enough sleep for my 5am wake-up call. Again, didn't seem to make a whole lot of sense life balance wise, but the pull was too strong, and eventually I relented. "Okay Lord. I don't understand how this is going to work, but I'll join the team and trust You."

Not 4 days later, my boss approached me saying it was time for me to transfer to Beverly Hills. I was shocked. Oh and did I tell you that during the 8 months time a new General Manager had been assigned to that location. Again, a step of faith in the direction I felt He was leading, and He opened up a way. The Lord knew the plan from the beginning, and fortunately in these cases, I listened, and have new "faith markers" to build upon.

As I write this, I'm presently on a short break between assignments. I start my new position on Monday, with a team who has repeatedly told me they need me. One Christian brother in particular said I was a direct answer to his prayers. I can't even get into all the details how my boss and my HR team (see the pic) organized a beautiful going away reception in my honor, and even had Rob attend as a surprise, which of course led me to me shedding many tears! I even was able to share a part of my testimony as to how God used my colleagues to help me grow into a leader.

In a time where sometimes it's difficult to see how the Lord can use secular jobs, I have no doubt how he's using me. I'm sure the next position I'll be starting comes with challenges of a different sort. He doesn't always give me what I think I need. But in this case, my prayer is that I remember all He's done in getting me from point "a" to point "b", and to just trust Him with the plan He has laid out for me, whatever it looks like.

Thorns and Humility

Merry Christmas!  I had begun this post about 2 weeks ago, and finally on a day like today, have a moment to sit, relax, ponder life, and write.  Maybe some "interesting" thoughts to have on Christmas, but in the end, the more I think about it, the more appropriate it is given why He came to us...

Thorns in this context are those things in your life that hurt.  Could be physical, emotional, or whatever, but it's pointy, painful, and a reminder of life's imperfections.  In my case, one of mine poked me a couple of weeks ago.  There I was, minding my own business, and a co-worker told me about an interaction they had had with another employee - an interaction that I had been longing to have.  "Why wasn't that opportunity mine?"  "Why is it so easy for this person to have such an interaction and not me?"  "Why would that employee rather talk and relate to them than me?"  "Why are they better at their job than I am?"  (can you see the downward spiral my thoughts were having?) Then the inevitable question of "Am I not good enough?" and finally "God, will I always feel this way?"

I remembered Paul, or St. Paul as some of you may know him, talk about a thorn he asked God to take away not once, not twice, but three times.  Paul was undoubtedly the most disciplined believer in the bible.  He came from a background of intense religion, with a deep knowledge in the jewish sect of his time.  It was considered by many "the" religion of the day and those who studied it and excelled in it were respected beyond measure. But when Paul met the resurrected Christ, he considered his previous worth basically worse than garbage - his accomplishments up until that time to be, in his words, "dung" or a not so nice word for "poop".  He doesn't get specific as to his thorn, what it is, so we are left to guess, or maybe free to know that we can relate to him.  Either way, it brings me comfort to know I am not alone.  In his case, he explains the reason that his thorn wasn't taken away.  Simply to keep him from exalting himself he "was given a thorn in the flesh"... Jesus answered his plea with the response "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." 

I'm not sure my particular thorn was "given" to me, but it was at least allowed - the fact that it could have been given to me by Him is a whole other thing to contemplate in itself!  God could have taken this away at any time, this feeling of inadequacy, whether real or made up in my mind, but He is choosing not to.  At this point I have a choice to fight it, like I sort of do already, or accept it and trust that His reasons are higher than mine.  But a new understanding also surfaced - His reason is that He is choosing to have this moment allowed in my life to give Him a chance to show His glory and strength in the situation.  Probably for no one else but me at this point - probably to strengthen my faith, then of course to bless others with the healing. 

I was jealous of my co-worker's interaction, instead of celebrating their accomplishment and moment that actually brought them joy.  I can usually celebrate with others whenever it has nothing to do with me, but when it's close to home - close to the things I desire, that ability seems to escape me. 

I love that He shows me these things, convicting as they are, but they are not shaming nor hopeless. 

God also allowed a "lowering" to One other, and that's where Christmas ties in.  He did it to Himself - He humbled Himself in the form of a baby.  I don't even think we can actually comprehend how limiting that is - to be God and yet limit the use of His powers on earth to the point of allowing Himself to be crucified, for the sake of others.  And here I am, not wanting a co-worker to have their moment, just so I can exalt myself in my moment (even if only to myself) and feel good.  I know I'm not God, but I have His spirit living inside of me.  If I only allow His spirit to work, not only would I feel the healing but more importantly it would certainly bless another.  And I really do want others to feel blessed -  I just think I want to bless others in a way that, if I'm honest, is not at the expense of myself.  If there's anything more anti-christian, it's that. 

Dear Lord - thank you for taking the time to show me who You are in these circumstances.  Thank you that healing comes through You in the world, and for showing me that perfection is not expected during this life through my own strength.  That only You are perfect, and the thorns lead us to a humble state remembering who You are and what You did for us.  It's all for You God, but only because you first did it for us.  Thank you for Christmas.

The Elusive Thanksgiving

By nature I'm a positive person.  Hope seems to rise up in the direst of circumstances, and I cannot dwell on the negative for too long - I'm just incapable of it.  A gift for sure, and yet this Thanksgiving I'm not as thankful as I wish to be.  Trust me when I say I can even find optimism in this situation, such is the life of a "positive" person, but nonetheless, my heart seems a little constipated in this area.  Sure As I told my hubby Rob the other day, though I can come up with a "list of what I'm thankful for" it sometimes feels more like a "should be thankful for" list as opposed to "what I'm thankful for" list.  I think the Lord is using this as a teachable moment. 

I got to give a testimony of what I was thankful for the other night in church.  It was daunting to be sure, because I just knew I should do it, but didn't have a clue clearly of what to talk about until just a few days before.  So for all of you who maybe find yourselves in the same shoes I wear this holiday, may you find comfort in our walk of kinship over this topic.  And for the rest of you that seem to have "thankfulness" oozing from your pores, be truly thankful for that, because it doesn't come easy for all of us.

So, what is someone like me thankful for this Thanksgiving?  You can find it in John 6:66-69. 

"As a result of this many of His disciples withdrew and were not walking with Him anymore.  So Jesus said to the twelve, 'You do not want to go away also, do you?'  Simon Peter answered Him, 'Lord, to whom shall we go?  You have words of eternal life.  We have believed and have come to know that you are the Holy One of God.'"

Up until this point, Jesus had many followers, but they were following Him for the wrong reasons.  So when He challenged them a bit in their walk with Him, many decided to not follow Him any longer (I'm seriously paraphrasing, but you can always read it for yourselves).  Ever since the 2nd year of our marriage, Rob and I have been challenged with not knowing whether we could have children.  The details will be another blog for another time, but just know that our heartaches in this area have been long and deep. 

To this day, almost 8 years into our marriage, we have been praying and wondering what the Lord will do, and our only answer is that for now, He says "no" to us being parents.  It's a journey I'd prefer to not walk, yet when posed with this option with or without God, I ask and have asked myself "to whom shall I go?"  It's the perseverance with Him that has led me down a path of pain, but with that there's a reward of feeling the pain of others.  This compassion also has turned into a hope that just doesn't seem to die.  In fact the hope that continuously rises up in me despite these circumstances can almost be annoying - I can't even wallow for any length of time.  No "depths of despair", no pity party, no hopelessness for more than 10 minutes to 2 hours seems to be able to occur.  It wasn't always that way.  My previous trials in life (which frankly were just exercise for this one) led to depressive states for much longer.  But with each moment of trust in Him, He became stronger in me.  

Dear Lord ~ there it is.  I guess from the depth of my heart, I'm truly grateful after all.  Thank you for always being there for me, and even for the times I couldn't feel it, for helping me KNOW it was true in my mind if not my heart in those dark moments.  Without You, I really don't know where I'd be.  Thank you for showing me You are the one true God.  None other was willing to give His life for me, but You did.  Thank You and help me to never forget.  Amen.